As we’ve seen, athletes’
national anthem protests have stoked passionate arguments
on both sides. And there’s really only one
place to resolve this issue– inOutrage Court.ANNOUNCER:
When a small controversysparks an Internet firestorm,
it’s up to Judge Royto sort the justified from
the just straight trippin’.It all happens now on…Today onOutrage Court,patriotism versus protest.Jordan Klepper thinks
athlete protestsduring the national anthem
are vile and un-American.Desi Lydic thinks
protests are patrioticand that Jordan is being
a little bitch.-Hey.
-It’s true. BAILIFF: All rise for
the Honorable Judge Roy Wood Jr. Yeah. Youbetterstand
inmycourtroom. Ain’t none of the Kaepernick
(bleep) going on in here. Be seated. Jordan,
what’s your opening statement? Thank you, Your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen
of the court, take a look at this… flag. Now, this sacred flag represents the countless brave Americans who put themselves in harm’s way to protect everything
we hold dear– liberty, opportunity, the free sub
that comes with the purchase of nine other free subs. The only thing America asks
of you in return is that you rise up off
your fat, pampered American ass when they raise that flag
for the national anthem. As long as you’re standing and
your hand is over your heart… (chuckles) you can think
about whatever you want. Like for me, I like to come up
with ways to fake my own death. You see, my marriage
is kind of crumbling, -and no matter what I do…
-All right, all right, all right, all right,
we’ve heard enough of that. Too much? All right. Desi, your opening statements,
please. Your Honor, my colleague
would like you to believe that the flag stands
forallthe values that make America great. But in reality, the flag
represents the 50 states and 13 colonies,
and any symbolism beyond that is sort of up to you. For some,
it’s the bravery of our troops. For others,
it’s a criminal justice system that discriminates
against black people. For me, well, when I watch
that flag waving in the wind, I’m reminded of a flag bikini
I was forced to wear -in a Nelly video in ’02.
-That was a good video. Hey. I’m all for protest– but there’s a right way
and a wrong way to do it. Okay, Your Honor, I’d like to
hear my colleague’s “right way” of protesting,
like, uh, marching? No way. Clogs up traffic.
Pain in the ass. -Okay, how about a boycott?
-Oh, sure, punish the small businessman
who’s just trying -to feed his family.
-How about a hashtag? Uh, clogs up your Twitter feed. Also, do you think hashtags
grow on trees? ‘Cause they don’t. Fruit does. And twigs. Or… limbs, leaves, -acorns…
-We know what grows on trees. Do we, Your Honor?
All I’m saying is why do athletes have
to bring politics into sport? Uh, I think because we started
doing the national anthem -at every sporting event.
-Oh, that’s when it happened? -Yeah, I think that’s
when it happened. -Oh, oh, -that’s awfully convenient.
-WOOD: Order! Order! Siri, order me
some popcorn shrimp and a baked potato. SIRI: I think you said, “Find
ingredients with tomatoes.” -(sighs) -Okay,
you know what’s un-American? Is condemning someone for
protesting the national anthem. -Are you calling me un-American?
-Yeah. Because I’m
more American than you. I once had a threesome
with a hot dog and a bald eagle in the back
of a Ford pickup truck. Jordan, you have no idea what
it’s like to be a minority. No offense,
but you’re a white dude– you got privilege
coming out your ass. You can do whatever you want,
when you want, without any consequences. Even right now
in this courtroom, you’re getting a pedicure
from an old Asian lady. Technically,
it still is sandal season. All right, I’m ready to rule. Jordan is right.
To millions of people, the flag and the anthem
are sacred, and for anyone to protest it
is beyond disrespectful. But Kaepernick
and these other athletes feel like they’re
beyond disrespected by a biased legal system. So here’s my decision. We’re just not gonna play
the national anthem at sporting events anymore. It’s done. We’ll save it
for special occasions, likequinceañeras,or when your homeboy
gets released from prison. And at the beginning
of every football game, we’ll play “Hey Ya!” -♪ ♪
-It’s fun, it’s catchy, and it unites us
under one message– to shake it like
a Polaroid picture. Boy, that Andre 3000’s
something else. Now, if you’ll excuse me,
I got some walnuts to crack.