Judge James – Lash of the Titans


[APPLAUSE] JIMMY KIMMEL: As you
may or may not be aware, in addition to my work
as host of this show, I am also a TV judge. My beloved bailiff, Guillermo,
and I have been hearing cases for a long time now. These are real cases with real
litigants in small claims court who inexplicably chose to
let their cases be heard by none other than Judge James. NARRATOR: This is the
plaintiff, Sherilyn Looney. She claims the
defendant received eyelash extensions at
her salon, only to cancel the charge on her credit card. She’s suing for $302.50. This is the defendant,
Jill Johnson. She maintains the
plaintiff unknowingly gave her a much more
elaborate eyelash service, and therefore
disputes the charge. It’s the case of,
“Lash of the Titans.” GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ:
Raise your right hand. NARRATOR: What you are
about to witness is real. The participants are not actors. They’re actual litigants with
a case pending in civil court. Both parties have agreed to drop
their claims to have their case decided here by Judge James. JIMMY KIMMEL: Hello. GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ:
How are you, Judge? JIMMY KIMMEL: Good, thank you.
GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ: Good. JIMMY KIMMEL: How are you?
GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ: Good. The litigants have been
sweared in, your honor. JIMMY KIMMEL: Thank you very
much, bailiff Guillermo. GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ:
Oh, you can sit down. JIMMY KIMMEL: You
can sit down, yeah. GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ:
Thank you, Judge. JIMMY KIMMEL: All right.
Let’s see here. Sherilyn Looney? SHERILYN LOONEY: Yes. JIMMY KIMMEL: You are suing Jill
Johnson for a total of $302.50 because Miss Johnson
received eyelash extensions at your salon, paid
for that service, and then later disputed
the charge with your bank. SHERILYN LOONEY:
Correct, your honor. JIMMY KIMMEL: Miss Johnson,
you claim you were unknowingly given a much more expensive
treatment than you expected, and that’s the reason why you
disputed the charge, correct? JILL JOHNSON: Correct.
JIMMY KIMMEL: OK. All right. Miss Looney, let’s
start with you. SHERILYN LOONEY: Your
honor, on September 20, she made an appointment with
me for a last bar to get the most expensive lashes. JIMMY KIMMEL: May I
stop you for one second? SHERILYN LOONEY: Sure. JIMMY KIMMEL: Are those
dentures on your breasts? WOMAN: Yes, or eyelashes. But dentures– yes. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK, OK. Back to the story. SHERILYN LOONEY: OK. So she made the most
expensive appointment for the most expensive lashes. JIMMY KIMMEL: What are
those lashes called? SHERILYN LOONEY: They’re
called 3D lashes. JIMMY KIMMEL: 3D lashes?
SHERILYN LOONEY: Yes. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK.
Why are they called 3D lashes? SHERILYN LOONEY: It’s an
advanced technique by master lash artists, and it’s where
they take three light lashes and make a little fan, and
they put them on one lash. JIMMY KIMMEL:
Master lash artists. SHERILYN LOONEY: Yes. So a couple of weeks later, I
get a letter in the mail from– I believe it was Chase
Bank, disputing the charge. I called her and she told
me she was going to bring the money in the next Monday. She never showed up. JIMMY KIMMEL: Is this story
true, what we just heard? JILL JOHNSON: Well, no. Not entirely true. JIMMY KIMMEL: Which
parts of it aren’t true? JILL JOHNSON: OK, so I set
up the appointment, showed up 35 minutes late, I
believe, got in there, and the lady– the
esthetician explained to me that because I was late,
they couldn’t do the 3D lashes. But she could arrange the
time to do the 2D lashes. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK. JILL JOHNSON: So I sat down
in that bed for three hours. She worked on my lashes. I fell asleep, and by
the time I woke up, she showed me her work. She said, oh, I was able
to do 3D lashes on you. And at that minute,
I’m thinking, OK, so I know that’s a different price.
One– SHERILYN LOONEY: It’s
a difference of $25. JILL JOHNSON: So I contacted
my credit card company, and I went ahead and
canceled my account. So that’s exactly what happened. JIMMY KIMMEL: So
you feel you should get that service for free? JILL JOHNSON: I’m
not going to lie. I did feel horrible for
canceling the transaction, and I know they performed
and they did their service. So I did want to go with the
intentions of paying them. But I just didn’t
go through with it. I just– but I was
trying to be sympathetic. I know that the
esthetician did great work. JIMMY KIMMEL: So
in your mind, you felt like you wanted
to do the right thing, but you didn’t actually,
physically, with your body, do the right thing? OK. I am going to admit, I don’t
know a tremendous amount about eyelashes. But I did want to bring in an
expert, my Aunt Chippy, who has been wearing false eyelashes
since she was a baby, probably. I understand you’ve done the
3D lashes on Aunt Chippy? OK. Release the beast. [MUSIC PLAYING] GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ:
Do you swear to tell the truth
and the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? AUNT CHIPPY: You bet your life. GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ: OK. JIMMY KIMMEL: Aunt Chippy,
were you outside, smoking? AUNT CHIPPY: No. JIMMY KIMMEL: Have
you quit smoking? AUNT CHIPPY: Almost. JIMMY KIMMEL: Remember,
you’re under oath. AUNT CHIPPY: I said, almost! JIMMY KIMMEL: Were you a
virgin when you got married? AUNT CHIPPY: Yeah– what
the hell’s wrong with you? JIMMY KIMMEL: You’re under oath.
This is a courtroom. AUNT CHIPPY: What are you
going on with this [BLEEP] JIMMY KIMMEL: Lady with you?
AUNT CHIPPY: I got one eye done! JIMMY KIMMEL: Did
you ever take money out of my grandfather’s
checking account for the purposes of gambling? Specifically, video poker. AUNT CHIPPY: Are you crazy? JIMMY KIMMEL: You
are under oath! You are out of order! [APPLAUSE] (SLOWED DOWN) You
are out of order! NARRATOR: Will Judge
James demand restitution for the esthetician, or will he
side with Miss Lash and Dash? And will Aunt Chippy come clean
about her degenerate past? AUNT CHIPPY: I’m going to
hit you with that thing. I swear to God, I am. NARRATOR: Judge James’
verdict when we return. JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, wow. NARRATOR: This sassy salon
owner says she was swindled. This credit card canceling
conniver calls that crap. And this aggravated
aunt is getting agita. Judge James is about to rule. Let’s listen. JIMMY KIMMEL: Are you the
technician– the master lash expert who applied the
lashes to this woman’s face? ESTHETICIAN: I was next
to the lady that applied– JIMMY KIMMEL: You
were next to the lady. What has become of that woman? She is dead? ESTHETICIAN: No, she
couldn’t make it. JIMMY KIMMEL: She
couldn’t make it. When I was a baby, Aunt
Chippy, did you or did you not drop me on my head? AUNT CHIPPY: I think I
did, because otherwise, you would not be damaged
as you are today. I swear to God. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK. You know what? I have to say, usually,
I would go in the back and make a ruling. But I don’t really
have to go to the back to make a ruling in this case. AUNT CHIPPY: What kind
of ruling are you making? JIMMY KIMMEL: I am ruling
in favor of the plaintiff in the amount of $302.50. I don’t even understand. I think you may have actually
committed a crime of some kind. So Guillermo, arrest everybody
except for these two right here.
GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ: OK. JIMMY KIMMEL:
Including Aunt Chippy. I want her in chains. AUNT CHIPPY: Good! I won’t have to
deal with you, then. JIMMY KIMMEL: I’ll
leave it to you. Don’t hit me with it. GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ:
Let’s go this way. AUNT CHIPPY: You kicking me out? GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ: Yeah,
the case is finished. AUNT CHIPPY: Your ass.
Get out of here. GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ:
Come on, let’s go. AUNT CHIPPY: I can
get out by myself. I don’t need no help.
COUSIN SAL: All right. Judge James has
rendered his verdict. Let’s bring the plaintiff in. Let’s bring everybody in. This is my Aunt Chippy–
was neither the plaintiff nor the defendant. AUNT CHIPPY: I don’t
know what I was. COUSIN SAL: Judge James
had some very serious questions to ask you, and I felt
like you dodged a lot of them. AUNT CHIPPY: He’s a nincompoop. He really is. I mean, he’s
banging that hammer, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom. COUSIN SAL: Who, Judge James? AUNT CHIPPY: Yes, Judge James. COUSIN SAL: You should be
a little more respectful. Let me see the eyelash.
Which one was it? AUNT CHIPPY: This one!
You can’t see the difference? Don’t– stop pulling!
COUSIN SAL: Pull off, pull off. Let me watch.
AUNT CHIPPY: Sal, cut it out! I only got one good eye on now. COUSIN SAL: Come
on, just let me see. AUNT CHIPPY: Get out of here!
COUSIN SAL: Everyone, pull on. AUNT CHIPPY: What’s
the matter with you? COUSIN SAL: All right.
There you have it– Aunt Chippy. What a loud mouth. AUNT CHIPPY: What a jerk. COUSIN SAL: Yeah. Now we’re done.
Now we’re done. Now we’re done. NARRATOR: On The
next Judge James. MAN: Everything was OK. We had good relationship. MOTHER: He offered me a
camel for my daughter! GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ: A what? MOTHER: A camel! MAN: Ah, now she screamed at me. Before, I was screaming. Now, she– GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ:
How old was the camel? JIMMY KIMMEL: Hey,
who’s the judge here? [APPLAUSE]

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